Like most of you, I am bearing witness and wrestling with shame and guilt about the fucking atrocities that continue to unfold in Gaza at the hands of Netanyahu, the country I live in, and its allies.
I find myself scrolling and forcing myself to SEE IT. To look at the bloodshed, the crying mothers, the entire families engulfed in rubble, and the innocent faces of the surviving children forever changed by this horror. I am moved to tears but not to action. The guilt starts.
Inevitably, every day after my daily dose of doom, I want to disassociate into anything and everything that feels good and comfortable because I can. Because I’m not there, and I’m so goddamn grateful for that. Due to the absolute randomness of being, I wasn’t born in Gaza, and I couldn’t be more grateful for that. And now the guilt about my gratitude kicks in.
I'm so tired of the tear between these two embodiments.The guilt and the gratitude, the empathy and the apathy. I need an outlet. I need a break from the see-saw.
The thing about me is that I stand ten toes deep into the knowing—the deep-seated belief—that none of us asked to be here and, therefore, we don’t owe anyone anything. Our existence was a decision made by others. We come into this world without freedom or autonomy and spend our lives fighting to attain it bit by bit. Some more than others for reasons they also had no control over. However, this acknowledgment doesn’t make me impervious to the pain of others. In fact, it makes me feel wholly connected to humanity.
I feel that this notion, this “knowing,” should UNITE US ALL. It should radicalize us all to look out for each other. We didn't ask for it, but we're all in this human experience together now, and all we can do is the best we can.
So, to witness people being slaughtered because of the decisions of others, both the victims and hostages of October 7th, to the thousands and thousands of innocent people of Gaza, it hits me to my core. And yet, I feel powerless against the bigness of it.
I’ve felt strongly about issues before. Women’s rights to choose what they do with their own bodies, for example. And when Roe vs Wade was overturned, I called my congresspeople. I marched in the marches. I posted the posts. I VOTED (lol). And I donated to the causes. It all just feels like screaming into a void.
I had that small fire in my belly to activate once upon a time, but I don't have it anymore. Perhaps I'm too aware of the fact that we are NOT in control, and our entire existence is puppeteered by those in power—making our protests feel like silly little walks. Or maybe I’m too aware that soon we will be the ones to pay the price of decisions we do not get to make. Surely, those we’ve helped slaughter will retaliate, and once again it will be the innocents that pay. These thoughts haunt and immobilize me.
But instead of hating myself for the things I’m not doing, could I focus on the things I could do?
A friend of mine mentioned this notion of reframing to me a while back; in their case, they were reframing women’s stretch marks from being something they weren’t attracted to into tiger claw scars, which they found to be VERY sexy. Just tweaking that one thought has freed them from the guilt of judging women’s bodies unfairly. It worked for them, so I said, “fuck it, let’s see if I can do this for MY guilt.”
“Not everybody is an activist.”
I think my therapist told me that, and it helped. To expect, encourage, or bully actions from people that are not innate to them will not have the desired effect.
But what if we focus on what we ARE good at? Reframing the thought of “I’m not an activist therefore I’m doing nothing to help” into “I’m not an activist but there are other ways I CAN help” and hoping that will do some good, both for the cause and the turmoil.
It would take as much effort for a pacifist to take arms and storm the castle as it would for a right-handed person to become aptly left-handed. It's eventually possible through sustained efforts. And even then, there is probably a self-gratifying reward at the end of that effort. That’s not wrong, it’s human. If it doesn't come naturally, you'll be wasting energy and effort trying to get there. Instead, what if we look at what each person can bring to the table? What can each of us tap into authentically to achieve our end goal? How can we foster those contributions for a more powerful collective effort?
For me personally, the guilt of not marching in the streets or joining some kind of underground revolution is mostly all-consuming. But I'm also aware that doing those things feels so foreign and inauthentic to me that it's hard for me to find the impetus. But, I can’t sit and do NOTHING in the face of what's happening in the world, and specifically Gaza right now. I don't have the time to become another person. But I can do what’s in me to do. I can fulfill my role(s).
What roles? Glad you asked. In my opinion, these are the roles and opportunities we can fulfill in order to make change, together.
THE ACTIVISTS
They are the people who are good at organizing and who have a deep pull toward social causes and taking action. These are the leaders of the charge.
THE DONORS
These are the people who have the money to fund the cause. Those who have the means to aid in the purchases of goods to help the cause move forward.
THE HELPERS
These are the people who have a strong sense of community and who have the time and desire to show up. Whether it’s making signs, handing out pamphlets, or making sandwiches for those in the trenches, they're there to help things get done.
THE ARTISTS
These are the people in charge of bearing witness, metabolizing the issues, and birthing new ways for others to feel informed and inspired enough to find their strength and fire to rally in their way.
THE BROADCASTERS
These are the people with platforms that can broadcast the message to the masses. The ones with a following of people who will either stand loyal to their cause or at least become aware of it. These are your celebrities, content creators, and influencers. These are also people in marketing who can help amplify a message to make an impact.
THE MUSCLE
Not everyone is a pacifist. Eventually, there may be a need for courage and physical bravery in order to enact change. These are the people who aren't afraid to take arms if need be. To go down swinging. Literally. I heard the French Revolution was pretty violent. (I'm not condoning violence; I so badly want to believe we can do this without it.)
THE OPPOSITION
Not everyone is on your side. Even the people who oppose our viewpoint on the issue have a role. Their rejection of our truth fuels us to find the tribe that pushes us to work even harder to affect the change we want to see.
We can unite against them like Voltron.
As individual roles they may not be enough, but if we pooled our efforts we could make a difference.
I know in my bones that there is a collective feeling of hopelessness and powerlessness among many of us. I've seen your posts, your retweets, your comments, and the deepening of your 11 lines. I see you. I am you.
So I urge you to consider this reframing. Where are our strengths from the list above? Let’s pour ourselves into them. I'm pouring myself into the roles I fit in and leaving the rest to the rest. I'm hoping this reframing helps to lessen my internal anguish in some ways. I know my heart will break, and my tears will flow with every new despatch from Gaza...
...And every story of a woman forced to give birth, and the animals being abandoned and abused, and the ASPCA commercials, and the homeless, and Sudan, and Ukraine, and on and on and on...
But I am of no help to anyone if I'm constantly trying to claw my way through despair and apathy.
So, this is my pledge:
I will donate. I will write (just writing this has felt like a tiny step forward). And I will broadcast. What will you do?
Maybe nothing, and if that feels right for you, that's fine, too. No judgement. This post just wasn't for you.
xo